VisionPartner - My Personal Testimony and Call

I was saved when I was five years old. I still remember the preacher talking about the penalty for sin, and how Jesus died on the cross for my sin. I recall the conviction of the Holy Spirit that I was a sinner. I asked my mother to help me pray for forgiveness. I remember crying sitting next to her as I asked God to forgive me of my sin, and for Jesus to be the Lord of my life. I was baptized when I was six. From that point on, I was basically a good, church going kid. I never partied. I never hung out with kids that partied. I never tried drugs, or was around them. I listened to Christian music, went to church camp every summer, went on church mission trips with the youth choir...and I ran from God when he called me into the ministry.

As an only child in a single parent home I had a lot of messed up stuff in my life. My mother did the best she could, but I grew up with a lot of self-doubt, a poor self image, and a great fear of being seen as a failure. I made it through high school in the exact middle of my class. I hung out with the "smart" kids, so other people thought I must be one of them. I just learned the secret that if I kept quiet, no one would know the truth about my grades. And it worked!

My middle school and high school years were years of poverty for my family. It was during that time period that I went to a private high school in Oklahoma. I was surrounded by "rich kids", but I was not one of them. Nevertheless, God was working in my life. Every year, from my sophomore year until my senior year, I gave one or two chapel talks where I was allowed to present the gospel to 350 students and faculty. That had a tremendous impact on me, because while I was in high school three of my peers died - but I knew that I had been obedient and shared the truth of Jesus Christ and his plan of salvation with them.

When it came time to go to college, I was accepted to The University of Texas, at Austin, but one of the top kids in our senior class was not. It did not matter that he had applied to the nationally recognized honors program and I had not, it was a matter of pride for me...and running from God. I knew that I was supposed to go to Oklahoma Baptist University. I had known that was what God wanted for my life for years. But I ran to UT.

It was at UT that I had my first major crises of faith. I was busy sharing the gospel as best I knew in my dorm when one young man asked me the toughest question I had ever been asked, "so what?" To everything I could throw at him, from the Deity of Christ, to the forgiveness of sin, to Heaven and Hell, his response was the same. He wanted to know what real difference anything I was saying would make in his life, and I had no answer. I walked away stunned. Worse. I walked away from my faith. I began to ask myself what difference anything I believed made. Here were kids walking around campus, just like me, and they did not know or care about God. They ate the same food, took the same classes, and lived in the same building I did. Their sky was just as blue, the wind felt the same on their face, and the trees and grass were just as green for them as for me. What difference did God make?

I came to the conclusion that faith made no difference at all. And it was liberating. I found myself free from all worry and doubt. I existed, and that was all that mattered. I did not know it, but I had just become an existentialist. At least, until God came seeking me. Gently, ever so gently, God began to ask me one question. "Who is Jesus?"

It first started quietly in my head. I tried to ignore it, but as the days and weeks passed, the question grew louder and more persistent. Finally, I could stand it no longer, and I went to the library to get some answers. I knew that if God really existed he would be able to defend himself. I decided to put this God and this Jesus on trial. I found all the agnostic books I could find on the person of Jesus, and the least radical atheist ones as well. I figured that it was at least possible for a guy named Jesus to have existed, and anyone who said he was a total myth wasn't too bright (I mean, the name Jesus can be easily found on a baseball team today, so how tough is it to imagine that the name could have been used by a Jewish mom and day in the days of the Roman occupation?)

What I found changed my life forever. I discovered that historians know that a man named Jesus existed, and that he was considered a radical figure. He was killed by the Romans for his religious and political beliefs. He had followers, but they were not killed with him. This was about all the information that the non-religious historians could provide. I decided to toss in the parts of the Bible that I felt could be objectively trusted. I figured that if Jesus was real, it was possible that he was nuts and thought he was God. We have plenty of people in asylums today who think that they are God, so it was plausible. If he was a Jew, then his claim to be God would have been heresy, and the Jewish leaders would have sided with the Romans to have him killed. If he claimed that he would rise from the dead (again, I tossed it in as plausible), then the Romans would have guarded his body. And, if the Romans guarded the body, the Jewish leaders would have added their own guards as well, because they hated and distrusted the Romans. After all, the Romans might have tried to hide the body, just to spite the Jewish religious leaders, and watch them squirm as people questioned whether or not Jesus was really alive. So, this dead Jew, who was crucified by the Romans, would have been guarded by at least 50-150 Roman and Jewish guards. No one died guarding his body. That is where history ends.

Now I had a problem. The body is missing. But, there is no historical evidence of an uprising, or any documentation of his followers being killed trying to take his body. So, where is this dead Jew's corpse? The more I thought about it, the more nervous I became. I knew enough about Roman history to know that a Roman guard who failed in his duty would have been executed. But there were no executions recorded. Also, with the Jewish guards around, there was no way that the Romans could have pulled a fast one. I realized that the only rational, yet irrational conclusion I could come to was that he had risen from the dead. History left me no other viable option. I can clearly remember feeling like my head was spinning as the truth sunk in. If Jesus was resurrected, then, he was who he said he was. He had claimed to be God. And if that were true, then there was a God. Furthermore, Jesus said he was coming back... I knew in that moment, without any doubts or reservations, that Jesus was Lord, and that God had indeed raised him from the dead. I knew that I wanted to be on his side, because he was coming back one day.

However, even then I still did not yield my life to ministry. I did not trust in the one who called me. I was too busy looking at myself, and all my faults and failures. I lost my full scholarship to UT because I went home for a year and took a few remedial math courses to improve my grades. That crushed me, and I began a life of an over achiever and workaholic. I worked 40-60+ hours a week, and went to school full-time for the next 4 years. I eventually made my way to Oklahoma Baptist University, but I entered as a business major. After a year of despair, I finally changed my major to ministry - it was the only way I could get peace from God! Once I graduated I worked non-stop. The friends I made during that time never knew me to be rested. Workaholism is a very real addiction. It is not simply overworking. I was running from reality, and trying to bury my pain in my drug of choice, work. I discovered that such behavior is as dangerous as alcohol on the body.

I continued my workaholic lifestyle until this year, when God finally brought me to my knees before him. I had tried everything I had every wanted to try. I had been a recognized independent consultant to some of the top companies in America, a "jet-setting" business professional, a super-user computer tester for a leading computer manufacturer, and an employee for a Global 100/Fortune 500 firm. I had won awards and recognition, only to discover that I had no peace, no joy, and no contentment. I was always brought back to my calling to youth ministry and teaching/equipping the saints. The Lord has brought healing to my life and my family. We are all excited at what the Father has been doing, and at what he is going to do. He is teaching me that the strong work ethic that he has given me is his gift to me, and not to be abused. And, most importantly, I am learning to submit my very being to the guidance of the Holy Spirit. It is a day by day battle, but it is a war that I must win (the good news is that he has already won it for me, I am simply learning to walk in victory).

After 20+ years, I have finally submitted my life to God's calling. I am actively seeking the fellowship of believers that God has prepared for me to grow in Christ, and where I can use the gifts and talents that he has placed in me for his Kingdom. My wife, friends, and my mother have all wondered what has taken so long. I just have to say that it is because I am not that bright, and because I thought that I could outrun God. I was wrong.

There has been no greater joy in my life than writing the Bible studies, Christian books, Christian songs, and even the Christian musical that I wrote, scripted, and produced while at OBU. In those times, I am truly alive because I know that I am doing what I was created to do.

This is my testimony, which really is all about God's loving-kindness and outpouring of His Grace in my life.